“Where is God when it hurts?” Read this title in a book I saw several years ago in a bookstore. It reminded me that many of us may have had the same question at some point in our lives. We may have asked, ‘Lord, where were You when I was hurting?’ We may have wondered, ‘Jesus, why did You let this happen to me?’
I also asked these questions for almost 8 years of my life every single day without fail! The reason? Well, as an 8-year-old, I got molested. This incident left a deep scar that I would carry into my teens. It opened doors for the devil’s lies to creep into my heart.
Feelings of deep shame and unworthiness tormented me to the extent that all I wanted to do was just exist. I disliked myself and wished to be someone else. To escape these feelings, I created a fantasy world and lived in it because the reality felt painful to deal with.
As time went by, slowly, I shoved this incident at the back of my mind and didn’t think about it. Later in college, a friend introduced me to a church. For the first time in my life, I felt drawn to Jesus like never before.
My friend was recently born again and often shared her experience with me. This was very new to me and created a deep hunger in me to pursue Jesus. I began to attend church regularly.
During a prayer meeting, as I was worshipping, Jesus suddenly brought this old incident to my mind. I asked Him why He was reminding me about it. I told Him, reminding me about it felt like rubbing salt in my wound. After all these years, the pain and the sorrow still remained in my heart even though I wanted to completely forget about it.
As I stood praying, suddenly, I felt the Lord’s heart for my 8-year-old self. He made me feel His pain at what happened to me. He told me it pained His heart much more than it pained mine. He wept much more for me than I wept over it. I broke down; His words brought the comfort and healing my heart needed but never received.
In just one encounter, Jesus healed my heart. I had forgotten about the questions I used to ask him every day for 8 years, but He never forgot and not only answered me but brought healing and deliverance too.
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
Jesus gave me His eyes to see myself and told me that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. I stopped disliking myself and wishing to be someone else. My self-esteem went through the roof when He highlighted Psalm 139:13-18 to me.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
I had a choice
The enemy planned to attack me, but the Lord set me free and blessed me in the very areas I was attacked in. I realised that I had a choice, “Do I want to dwell in the past and feel sorry for myself or look up to Jesus and enjoy His blessings?” I chose the latter.
There was a time when I just wanted to exist and felt left behind even as the world passed me by. But the Lord lifted me up, opened my mind, and gave me wisdom and intelligence. I began to do well in my studies, and God blessed me with godly friends. I felt the unconditional love and acceptance of God.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope”
At last, my life found its true purpose and meaning in Christ Jesus. Since then, I have never looked back. He completely turned my life around and filled my heart with joy!
A Soar Girl
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