So, you like this boy and he likes you too. You have genuinely kept your emotions aside and are seeking God for His will for your marriage. Along the way, this boy confides to you that he is addicted to porn. What would you do? Should you still consider marrying a boy who watches porn?

Considering the shame that is associated with porn, it is credible that the boy has openly shared his struggle with you.

But the question is what’s his motive behind sharing? Is it because he is genuinely seeking a breakthrough in this area? Or is it because he is making you aware of his addiction to gain your sympathy and also so you don’t get a shock later. (We have heard people addicted to porn plead mercy saying: I don’t know what to do. It gets better of me every time)

Politely ask him some direct questions like: Why is he sharing it with you? Since when he has been addicted? Is he aware of the end road to porn? Has he taken efforts to overcome it? Has he opened up his struggle to someone mature and godly who he can be accountable to?

Porn is driven by lust and looks at sex as a commodity, thereby devaluing love, sacrifice and honour that are foundations to a godly marriage. It is as good as virtual adultery. Addiction to porn is progressive and unless dealt with in an aggressive manner, it can wreck relationships.

Walk away

As hard as it may sound, it is advisable at this juncture that you stop pursuing this relationship and move away in an amicable manner (without putting the person down or hurting him).

Clearly the boy is not ready for marriage and needs time, space and lot of “Word” to get delivered from the grip of porn. The root of pornography is often about one’s inner health and a broken identity than an external desire.

Give him space to take account of his life and take intentional steps to get to the root of this addiction and eliminate it.

Please don’t start mentoring

If he is asking you what to do, please don’t take up the task of mentoring him, rather direct him to a godly and mature man who can genuinely help him through the Word of God. If he doesn’t seem to have someone like this, he needs to make sincere efforts to find one.

Getting free from porn often is smoother and faster when you have an accountability partner.

One can’t be making excuses like, “I don’t know what to do. I am bound etc.” If one is capable enough to search and hide stuff in their gadgets to feed their addiction, then one should also be capable enough to search for a remedy for their problem. There are many sites/ apps like Covenant Eyes, Moral Revolution that deal exclusively with porn addiction and it’s roots, and provide long term Biblical solutions.

Marriage is not the solution please

Porn is fuelled by lust and marriage is not the solution to porn, if you are thinking that way. In fact research shows that marriages are two times more likely to fail if the man looks at porn and three times more likely if the woman looks at porn. We have seen cases where porn and it’s subsequent effects has broken trust in marriages and scarred the opposite person tremendously.
Marriages became miserable because it was not dealt with and it spiralled from one level of perversion to another.

Thank God that He Opened Your Eyes

It is hurting I know. But don’t cry or sulk over it. In fact you should thank God that you came to know the facts even before marriage was in the picture and not after you got married!

If the boy is serious about you, he will make efforts to change and if not you will soon figure that out.

Above all, trust God, if He has to bring you both back, He will, but right free your heart from any expectations and emotional attachments and let go…

XOXO
Author Kim D’souza

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